The Transformation


For over a year now, I’ve been shedding. I’ve watched habits fall off and people drift away. Sometimes it hurt. At times it’s caused confusion, but it always worked out in the end.

Maybe we’re similar to caterpillars. We are meant to transform, and with growth, we are constantly shedding. At a certain point, we sit alone and undergo our own process of transformation. We can’t really explain what’s happening, but if we disturb it, we could affect the results.

At first, I didn't understand the shedding process. It took a while to realize I was carrying too much, but I knew I was in a place where I lacked clarity, motivation, and support. In my romantic life, my emotional investment wasn’t reciprocated. In turn, I looked for that emotional exchange elsewhere. I demanded more from my friends, and even though they were around me, it felt like we were all drowning.

I wasn’t strong enough to save myself and them too. I didn’t want to. I needed them to make better decisions in their lives that I wasn’t strong enough to make in my own. None of us were moving forward. I couldn’t articulate any of this at the time, but I felt burdened. All I knew how to do was ask for space.

My friends didn’t understand my isolation. They didn’t respect it either. Everything about me was open from my house to my heart, but nothing was pouring in that I needed. I had to learn to say no. I needed time to be by myself, so I could find clarity and direction. Slowly, I managed to create separation. I had trouble explaining why, but the less time I spent with people, the better I felt. I was beginning to shed.

In hindsight, I was searching for peace. I was leeching on to everything around me hoping to get the investment I should have been giving myself. I needed to cater to my own needs. Caterpillars don’t link together and grow collectively. They sit alone and go through the necessary steps of transforming. I had to separate from everything around me, to focus on bettering myself. You won’t reach your butterfly state, if you don’t spend time investing in your own transformation.

In my alone time, I realized there were habits I needed to change and people I needed to take a step back from. The people around me weren’t bad individuals, they just weren’t right for me in that season. I needed time and space to transform. I had to let them go. I have been letting people, habits and items go ever since.

Fast forward to a year and a half later, I now have sacred moments and places that I go to spend time with myself journaling, praying, reflecting, or reading. In my season of healing, I’m attracting people who are doing the same. We pour into each other and hold one another accountable. The people in my life now always leave me feeling inspired.

When you are moving from your caterpillar state, it will require shedding and personal transformation. Listen to your inner voice. It will tell you what you need. Your circle may change. Your mindset may change, but it will all be replaced with something complimentary for the next season.

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© 2016 by Jasmine Hawkins