Life has been poetic for me this year. It’s been full of melodies, structure, and prominent devices like repetition. Repetition in life is just as meaningful as it is in any poem. There are lessons, messages, and patterns on repeat, and I honestly believe it’s God’s way of getting our attention. He’s been trying to get mine over the past year in all three ways.
Lessons: At this point I firmly believe we will face an obstacle until we learn how to overcome it. It’s no secret that one of my biggest “obstacles” has been in the area of love. While my choices have gotten increasingly better over time (progress should not be overlooked), the end result has been the same. I allow men who do not share the same vision or interest to linger and come and go as they please. I haven’t learned how to cut ties. Or, maybe I just haven’t done it. Either way, my inability to disconnect from relationships that aren’t fruitful has created layers of emotional baggage that I carry from one situationship to the next. Ultimately, I have to learn this lesson: Rid yourself of every weight.
Messages: When I say life is poetic, it really can’t get much deeper. Ironically, while my love life has been under construction my professional and personal development has been thriving and as a result people have observed this “light” I carry. They can see my worth. I know this because on a consistent basis over the past months I’ve been receiving the most encouraging messages (insert tears because I’m super emotional) about me and the work I’ve been doing. Most recently for my birthday a common message was “I hope you get everything you want because you deserve it.” YOU DESERVE IT. Something in me has been content with accepting much less than I deserve when it comes to relationships. Somewhere along the lines I lost sight of my own light and worth. Ultimately, I have been acting as if I don’t deserve better, but repetition doesn’t lie. The recurring messages carry truth.
Patterns: The beauty in all of this is that I have an active part in how everything will turn out. If I look back, I can pinpoint very toxic patterns of behaviors. More often than not, I know my weak moments (I had to stop following past lovers on social media for example) and I know when I am choosing to put myself in a situation. Doing this over and over means I have created a pattern. This means, I have the power of choice. If God has taken the time to reveal these lessons over and over again, the least I can do is read between the lines. My choices have created situations that cycle me through unwanted outcomes. Everyone else is waiting for me to recognize this and do better. I GET IT!
I’m writing this post like I’m writing a journal entry (tears and all). I don’t want this year to be like the last. I won’t let it be like the last, and I putting it out here so I can be held accountable for heeding the repetition and doing some things differently. Hopefully, I’m not alone in these reflections. Let's finish 2018 strong; it’s time for a new course of action.
-Jasz
