Flawed and Learning: The Internal Conversation


Nobody’s perfect. In theory we know this, but accepting our own flaws can be a process. Lately, as the day I leave my job gets closer, I’m finding myself in situations that illuminate my imperfections. On one hand, I know there are areas in which I still need to grow in order to be ready for my next season, on the other, the former perfectionist in me gets frustrated with the personal growth I haven't mastered. It’s an uncomfortable and eye-opening tension, but I want to share this journey because it’s one many of us face during transitional seasons.

This month, I’m sharing my shortcomings and how I’m working through them. Much of this personal development is still being established, so this can definitely be an exchange of best practices. (Feel free to comment below on via social media.) This week I’m working to accept the idea that I am enough.

Lose the crutches. It’s mind-blowing that a person can be seemingly confident and progressive, but internally operating in fear. :Raises hand: That’s me. Knowing the things that scare me (handling money conversations, talking to other bosses about my business, etc.), I have built systems that take those burdens from me. I’ll include my vice president in meetings because of his strength in these areas, or handle conversations via email instead of in person or over the phone. If I’m truly honest, I’m avoiding the work. I’m learning and watching how it gets done, but I’m not actually building those skills for myself.

Over the last month, I’ve been forced to lose the crutches. Between personnel shifts in my business and people being on vacation, I’ve been left to meet with CEO’s in person, negotiate payments, and handle all the parts of business that make me uncomfortable. Although I dread these moments, I survive them. Each experience shows me that I can handle what needs to be taken care of because the fear I have is all in my head. When we are purposed to be in a position, we are capable of handling whatever comes our way. We don’t need the crutches.

When you are purposed to be in a position, you are capable of handling whatever comes your way.

Find peace within. Alignment is very important to me, so I can’t separate my business self from my spiritual one. That said, in order for us to lose the crutches and trust our abilities, we have to have an internal grounding. In my spiritual walk, I’ve made changes to strengthen my relationship with and understanding of God. I’m reading the Bible in one year, doing group devotions with friends, connecting with people at my new church, and increasing the time I talk to God. In the midst of all this, I’m seeing how Jesus submitted and operated from the strength He received from the Father. This is our guide.

Often times we feel burdened or incapable because we are resting on our own strength, credentials, or ability, but when you throw God in the mix, anything is possible. In these moments where I’ve been left to handle business on my own, I’ve learned to whisper to myself, “God got this.” There’s a verse that says, “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is within the world.” This is slowly becoming my guiding scripture because no matter what happens, I can have peace in knowing who’s on my side.

Give it time. I'm impatient. If we say we’re going to do something, I want to start it immediately. This initiative has its place, but there are other times, I need to heed the process. When we start finding peace in God, there is a releasing of control that is sooo hard to give up. (I’ll explain more in upcoming posts.) In that releasing, we learn to trust that the way God is moving is best, even if it doesn’t fit our time. If it were up to me, I’d have a thriving writing career waiting for me to dive in full time when I leave teaching next month. However, it’s not up to me, and I instead have lessons and experiences that I know God is going to use.

The best way to accept the timing of God, is to look back at the success you’ve made to this point. When I think about how certain elements fell together, I know it was orchestrated by God. If we aren’t where we want to be, it's because the current moment has work for us to do or lessons waiting to be learned. Either way, we have to do our part and trust the process.

I’m excited to be transparent with y’all about my inner thoughts over the next month. Too often we isolate ourselves thinking we are alone in our processing, but so many people face internal tension along the way. I believe that through releasing, we speak to our fears and ignite the power already within us. No matter what you’re facing, you got this and what’s in you is enough.

#personaldeveloplment #personalgrowth

© 2016 by Jasmine Hawkins