Lessons on Love: The Weight of Holding On


I didn’t plan on writing this post. I knew I wanted to do a series on love for February. I even intended to make a fancy connection between Black History month and today’s topic. However, I’ve been blocked all day and mentally drained. Truth is, I have a lingering issue weighing on me. I’ve been struggling with a lesson that mirrors a topic I’m constantly revisiting when it comes to love: letting go.

Right now, I have a decision to make. I’ve needed to take a stand for a long time, but I’ve been dreading the backlash and separation it’s going to cause. This internal anxiety has been the reason I ignored multiple signs and sound advice to make excuses for why I don’t need to call it quits. If I’m honest, this is no different from how I operated in relationships that needed to end. More often than not, I took the passive route of letting things play out until an unforgiveable situation happened that could justify why we needed to part ways.

I gave away my power.

I wasn’t always passive. I remember vividly telling my college boyfriend we needed to break up (even though the relationship was going smoothly). Internally, I’d been struggling with a concept that kept surfacing in different ways. We weren’t equally yoked, and that wasn’t going to work for me. When I broke the news, I recall a physical weight lifting off my chest confirming I did the right thing. Yet, I felt horribly and proceeded to spend the next 8 hours crying and complaining in my friend’s dorm. I resolved that I would never do that to myself again (and I haven’t).

The crazy thing about my freshman experience is that the decision I made was ultimately the best one. It was rough to endure in the moment, but it brought peace down the road. Sometimes, peace isn’t enough to drive us when we’re focused on the obstacle ahead. This distorted perspective is how people end up like me: blocked, internally conflicted, and stagnant.

When we hold on to people, situations, or ideas longer than we should, problems arise. The emotion we are suppressing (because I firmly believe we always KNOW what we need to do) materializes in different ways. Sometimes we may have internal unrest, other times we may find ourselves physically sick or lashing out about trivial exchanges at inopportune times. I can almost always tell when my relationships aren’t right by the discord that forms in my friendships.

Holding on is costly.

Holding on is costly. My current situation has already cost me innumerable hours of frustration and tons of energy. In fact, it almost cost me today’s blog. I don’t have to let it be an ongoing expense. At any given moment, we have the freedom to take control and exercise our power. When it comes to love (and everything else), new blessings can’t pour in if there’s a block in the way. Today’s blog is for me. I’m going to pray and sleep on it, but I know it’s time to speak up. Time to make room for what’s ahead.

#February #selflove #Blacklove #lettinggo

© 2016 by Jasmine Hawkins